Friday, September 09, 2005

No talent ass clowns.

David Spade is getting a new talk show on Comedy Central satirizing the entertainment industry. I think giving David Spade a new show is all the satire we need. Did somebody lose a bet or can the boy suck a golfball through a garden hose? First Jimmy Kimmel, Colin Quinn, Adam Carolla, now Spade? Thank God SNL keeps turning out unfunny people or Comedy Central couldn't have talk shows.

In happier news, Tara Reid has been given a show on E! called Taradise and I can stop beating off to still images of her nipple slips. E! is moving up the ladder, replacing the moronic blonde haired big tits Anna Nicole Smith with the moronic blonde haired big tits Tara Reid. At least this chick is my age and doesn't have a kid my age.

While E! and Comedy Central are providing entertainment for all our fast food employees, people in New Orleans are getting screwed. Usually you have to wait for Mardi Gras to see people take it in the ass like this. But hey, it can't be all bad--the President's mother, Barbara, thinks that since the victims had such crappy lives before the disaster, they're doing much better in shelters in Texas. And First Lady Laura Bush is recommending that displaced victims enroll their kids in school, so they don't get behind.

THEY JUST LOST THEIR FUCKING HOUSE AND GRANDMA FLOATED AWAY BECAUSE PEOPLE FORGOT ABOUT HER IN THE NURSING HOME. I THINK THE KID IS GOING TO BE A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

But we all want to take advice from the librarian when we're dealing with a natural disaster. Hey, she's well connected enough that she could be a director of FEMA.

We shouldn't be too rough on Michael Brown, the under-secretary of FEMA. This isn't a dog and pony show and the man has to be qualified--some of those horses could break a leg and you've got to act quickly by putting it down.

So THAT explains the armed response in New Orleans.

I saw last night that FEMA is taking donations to send down to the victims. Maybe I'm insane here, but I think I already gave my donations in the way of tax dollars--I donate to charities, I don't donate to the government. When FEMA is panhandling next to the Red Cross, we're fucked.

posted by Lachlan @ 1:13 AM 0 comments

Gilligan is dead.

WASHINGTON (Routers) - Bob Denver, the beloved title character of Gilligan's Island, passed away Friday at age 70 and has left a void on the tiny ship the S.S. Minnow. News of the death of Bob Denver struck the heart of the nation's capital, but President Bush has stated that he will have a nominee to Congress by the end of the week. "In this time of need, we require all hands on our naval vessels and I will appoint someone to assist the Skipper in his duties. Senators must look beyond partisanship to confirm my nominee swiftly."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has reservations about likely candidates. "President Bush must nominate someone with the necessary skills who is in touch with mainstream America. I am greatly concerned that many of the individuals being suggested would not properly commit themselves to the core American values of freedom, equality and fairness." Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT), ranking member of the Judiciary Committee, spoke similarly. "This individual has a tough task. They will be responsible for rigging and steering as well as the morale of Mary Ann and Ginger. We cannot entrust this duty to the asshole who raised the most amount of money for the President's re-election."

When reached for comment, Vice-President Dick Cheney responded harshly to Leahy's accusations. "Fuck yourself."

posted by Lachlan @ 12:56 AM 0 comments