1000 monkeys on typewriters could write Hamlet...
...but it only took one to write
Here On Earth (2000).
PLEASE DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE.
This movie is horrible. North Korea could use this film to torture dissidents. The acting is rigid, the dialogue predictable, the plot unoriginal but still contrived... I wouldn't watch this again if someone paid me. I'd rather slam my skull against a brick wall than watch this again. I'd rather drown in a vat of bleach than watch this again. I'd rather watch
Gigli or
North or anything starring
Chris Farley.
This movie should have been categorized "Horror". The only thing romantic about this film is the credits. I've seen more chemistry in a jug of water. Drama is calling out dialogue before the actors do, just to see how often I can get it right, except that drama requires conflict and I just kept getting the dialogue right.
I saw a trailer for this movie and was very intrigued. While none of the actors were "stars" at the time it was made, they're all very talented and I had high hopes this would be something unique and entertaining that I would tell my friends to watch.
I'd get thrown in front of a train if I recommended this to any friends. If you can't find the DVD, check a furniture store. I think they're using them as shims on the short leg of a table. Hospitals are using it to teach amputees to run.
This isn't even something that makes a fun drinking game. It's just a BAD movie. The acting is especially awful when one considers how talented many of the players are. Writer
Michael Seitzman also wrote
North Country, a movie I'll now be avoiding like the plague.
I think "The Plague" was a working title for Here On Earth.
This is director
Mark Piznarski's only feature film, his credits including television shows, TV movies, and the sixth director for a documentary about drying paint. I wonder how he can sleep at night.
No animals were harmed in the making of this film, but many reputations were.
2 out of 10: It's. Just. Bad. Please don't watch this.
A Review of Crazy/Beautiful: Give it a chance, it's much more real than you think.
Almost by accident, I caught
Crazy/Beautiful a few years ago. The general melodramic teen "thing" bores me to tears and I had little hope for this film. I'm just glad I gave it a chance.
This movie isn't about meaningless teen schlock; these characters have real problems and issues that can appeal to everyone. It treats the characters very deeply, allowing them to make both good and bad choices and grow from those choices. As a viewer, you watch their lives and empathize and react to their struggles. This is a film that draws you in until it hurts to pull yourself away. But, it's not done cheaply such that you feel guilty or like the director tricked you into it.
None of the actors shine as the single "draw" but they each play their roles well. The story itself is wonderful and the dialogue unpretentious--it FEELS like something that could have happened to you as a teenager or even in your twenties. Scenery and music blend quietly into the package that pulls on you.
Some may call this a chick flick or a teen melodrama but it is far more real than that. Give it a chance to make an impression on you.
8 out of 10: Well above average and worth the price of admission. Watch it with someone you love.
[This was originally written as a
review for
IMDB.]
Out Cold: Best. Worst. Movie. EVER.
Out Cold is HORRIBLE and you should love it.
From a cursory glance, this movie looks like a retread of what larger names (
Adam Sandler,
Chris Farley) have done and failed at, but this movie is different. THIS MOVIE IS FUNNY. It is pure unclean fun and what it lacks in a "message" it more than makes up for with sharp humor.
While people may take issue with the subject matter (drugs, dick and fart jokes, boobies), the story and dialogue are exceptional. This isn't
Les Misérables (or even
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut, taking jabs at society) but it is smart and witty and you'll find jokes on the third trip that you didn't see before. Give it a try--it's definitely worth your time.
8 out 10: Rated Excellent for
Casablanca references, the scene on the mechanical bull, and just being absolutely fun.
[This was originally written as a
review for
IMBD.]
Hollywood creates fantasies, not facts.
A new study (and associated "Oh my God!" articles) notes that
Hollywood shows a lot of sex and drugs but doesn't show safe(r) sex and drugs and ignores the possibly harmful consequences.
In other news, two plus two equals four and the Earth revolves around the Sun.
Hollywood creates fantasy, stuff to entertain us and make us forget about the hell we call our lives. If I wanted to hear about how people could get pregnant or catch AIDS or whatever sad moral bullshit story the authors felt we
should be learning, I'd turn on the fucking news or open my front door.
Then again, I don't watch movies because they're putrid, teen-angst laden excrement that revolves around the meaningless faux issues that cater to brain-dead minimum wage workers and retards that watch
Friends.
Excuse me while I go throw myself off the roof.
